Desert of Emotion

January 08, 2016

How 2016 is treating you?

It's been a while since my last post, I've been caught up with college and tell you what, semester 2 is so fricking exhausting even though my schedule is not that packed but it's really tiring and I can't wait to sit for my finals starting this 31st January until 3rd February. By then, I'm gonna stay at my college for 4 days before going back to Kedah (yeay!) and oh my gawd I couldn't care enough to rest during my semester break which is gonna last for 4 months. Now, how delicious and stressless does that sound, people?!!! YEAH I'M HELLA EXCITED.

We're almost in the second week of January lol and here I am struggling to put my thoughts in words of my life in 2015.

2015 honestly taught me a lot. I kinda experienced all sorts of emotion and I saw a part of me I thought I'd never seen but someone actually grabbed me and shown them to me. It was beautiful yet painful and I don't know if I ever capable of feeling the same again. It's gonna take me months or worse, years to get over it. It sucks reminiscing that your little thing has been wasted on me. It's like a dry ocean but more like a desert of emotion. Happy-sad dark-light sorrow-joy swept over me, under me I could hear the sound but I couldn't understand the words and then I realised the sound was me, breaking in one moment I was feeling everything and I was feeling nothing. I was shattered, I was saved, I lost everything, I was given everything else. Something in me died, something in me was born, I only knew the girl was gone. Whoever I was now, I would never be her again.

It's really not easy to not think of it. It's really hard. Last year also had somehow shown me that I am very fragile, selfish and vulnerable. As a matter of fact, I'm not like most girls out there who constantly get emotional over silly things and haha I don't know if you would ever find or get to know someone like me if you know me well. Because honestly and I really believe that there's only one girl with this kind of feels, behaviour (or whatever you might wanna call it) in this world and that bloody girl is me, Soraya. LOL SOUNDS SO SELF-CENTERED, isn't it? Haha.

I used to think that I'm the strongest and full of nonchalant. No, I'm not saying that I'm nothing more like that. It's just the way I am and I don't have any plan to get rid of it because if I do, that would never be me anymore. I know all these while I've been all fragile and I don't really open up with people but when I started attending college, I met some new friends which now has been a part of me and I kinda tried to be someone new. It's nothing like I totally changed myself it's just I don't wanna stuck in that same box again lol metaphorically speaking ahah! I became bitchier and so sassy, to be honest. But, I mingle with people lol somehow I wish I could turn back time just to un-know some people. I REALLY DO. They messed my life way too much. Well, maybe I'm saying this because I've been held for so long.

I'm at that point where I believe there's not really anyone who actually understand me wholly and accept me for who I am. It's just so hard to find someone who knows how sensitive and heartless I could be. And it's really hard to be fragile and heartless at the same time man. Do all single child feel this or is it just only me? and when 2016 finally hits, yeah man, my heartlessness just worsen aha. I mean, my friends here which practically are my close friends, they got worried of me because it's just so hard to make me feel and they tend to say "you seriously have to meet any ustaz. Let him baca ayat apa-apa" because honestly they got scared seeing me this heartless which I found intriguing.

This is a bit rare for me (probably you feel the same) as I don't normally write my thoughts wkwkwkkwwk out here and this time I just had to. Fly free, walk on sunshine, be selfish and carefree and all that stuff. Before I end my rant, go listen to Feel Good by Paperplane Pursuit if you're feeling down and if you want that flying-free-feel like, go have a listen or maybe tons to I FELT FREE of Circa Survive =D. Whatever it is, dear 2016, bring it on!! Lets see what life has for me!

Till then.  

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