What a Break! (rant post)

October 14, 2017

* disclaimer: this is not an emotional post. rather, a depressing one.

Hello everybody!

It's me Yayerz and we meet again after 4 months.

I remember my last post; me being whiny about how unmotivated I was and guess what bloody happened?

My final results didn't meet my expectation and it was pretty bad.... My GPA went down 0.35 from my previous semester whilst my CGPA was 'good' enough to decrease 0.01. I mean... I actually don't know what to feel. Anyhow, I'm grateful for what I got lol. And now, I'm starting my final semester. Yeap, you got that right. FINAL forken semester!!!!!! Who wouldn't be excited lol to finish their studies???

Anyhow, last semester was tough. It really was. Even with my mental health going down the drain, I still managed to keep my pointer at constant so I guess I handled my studies pretty well.

Things were slipping away. God knew how horrible what I was feeling. All I wanted to do was run and leave. I didn't want to live my life here. I felt like I had to go somewhere far to rebuild myself and go remote af to fully heal myself. It's not about running away from problems or anything like that, it was about how I have lost hope and trust in one single person that I trusted the most. Yet, he betrayed me and up until now, I thought I was fixing a damaged machine so that I could use it again only to know the machine was kaput from the beginning. Maybe I was just supposed to live with it. I thought I was figuring things out, I really thought I was. And again, I failed. or should I say......., you failed?

I'm just a big fat garbage that's waiting to be thrown. I'm just a hopeless and useless human being to you that you need to get rid of me in the ocean so that you could have your burden thrown in an instant instead of lifting it gently and kindly. You treated me like I was never part of yours. Honestly, I got tired being this person, where people only know how to put the blames on you. I'm tired of holding this inside my head. It's not pleasant if you're wondering haha.

And if you ever happen to read this, know that, I quit trying fixing us. It's not working. I tried and I failed.

I don't know how did I stay sane.

Anyhoots, I'm glad to say that I'm back to being the old self Soraya where I don't give a single middle finger about anything particularly my emotions because I have turned off my humanity. It might sound absurd to you, but I did. In the meantime, I still need to write off my thoughts somewhere out of my journal. I like writing stuff be it traditionally or digitally. You never know the power of your writings. It might impact someone and it might not. No one knows really.

I feel this need to let you know that I'm working on having my work (read: pending posts) done before I get busy with FYP and stuff. FYI, I had my Uzbekistan, Indonesia and Philippines posts revert to draft due to some technical errors and I'll let you know once they're available back for your reading. I also made some new changes to this site as I've been postponing shite for so long. An error here, an error there. Too many errors and it makes me sick.

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